Shocking Revelations: Three Principles a Big Old Hoax; Misery is the Default
In a shocking announcement this morning, it has been announced that the Three Principles is a big old hoax and that we can all go back to feeling miserable.
The statement said that, contrary to what has been taught for the last forty years, we do, in reality, live 100% in the feeling of our circumstances, and thought has sod all to do with it. As such, we have absolutely no responsibility whatsoever over how we are feeling, as all feeling comes from uncontrollable outside circumstances – the best we can do to attempt to feel good about ourselves is to blame everyone else!
In order to cultivate this innate sense of misery, nothing could be easier; suffice to look outside of ourselves in order to find examples in our surroundings.
One such example would be the person on the telephone in the library. It is very important to focus on the behaviour of this person, preferably passing judgement as much as possible, i.e. “they are SO rude and inconsiderate!” and as this other person is wholly responsible for your irritability, it is totally justifiable that after only 5 minutes you angrily throw your books into your bag and stomp out of the library red-faced and muttering swear words under your breath. Shouting “Fucker!” is a very understandable reaction in this kind of situation!
Because your circumstances and other people dictate how you feel, there is strictly no point attempting to look to senses such as “Compassion” and “Empathy” – these are lies and do not exist in the “REAL” world. To come back to the example of the person on the telephone in the library who made you so angry, there is no point saying things to yourself such as, “well they were talking very, very quietly and evidently were trying not to disturb anybody else”, or “well, maybe a member of their family just died or they have something urgent to deal with” – looking for another perspective is a useless exercise; THERE IS NO OTHER PERSPECTIVE!!
In order to live fully in a sense of absolute misery, there are a certain number of techniques that can be employed. One such technique is “self-righteous revenge”. When, for example, somebody has upset you, one must remain angry at that person until one comes up with an idea for revenge. Again, there is no point attempting to look for “Compassion” and “Empathy”, clearly this person doesn’t live in the feeling of their thinking any more than you do!
An effective strategy for revenge is to sharply bop the offender on the nose and giggle while you watch their eyes smart. This will fill you with a wonderful feeling of self-righteousness for a full five minutes, but not to worry, you will be back to feeling superbly miserable immediately following that; as you have bopped everybody you know on the nose in the spirit of revenge, you have no friends left!
Another excellent technique for getting miserable and staying that way is to pass judgement on everything and everyone, including yourself. Ideally, you should consider everything you’ve ever done as proof that you are a big, fat failure. Here the ego and an evident sense of self-importance are the key to feeling shite. Comparing yourself and your achievements to others and others’ achievements is the rule.
Through comparison you will be able to cultivate feelings of jealousy, greed, anger, bitterness, self-pity and, the King of Misery, Fear. The truth is, in comparing yourself to others and being in competition with everybody else, you develop a keen sense of isolation. But fret not! Because how you behave is down to your circumstances, which removes any responsibility you may have thought you had in the past, you are always right!
Therefore, when things don’t work out the way you want them to, you can easily find someone or something else to blame. Moreover, it is perfectly normal to take everything you think very seriously and very personally, after all, thought is real. As such, when another person succeeds over you, your sense of self-importance will thankfully come to the rescue. Evidently you are far better than this other person, you’re just a victim of bad luck!
As for wisdom and clarity? Ha!
Clearly, nobody else in the world has wisdom or clarity as everybody else is totally stupid compared to you, but still be sure and carefully work everything out in your head before saying or doing anything. This does not ensure success but it will keep your mind veeeeerryyyyyy busy!
So, there you have it folks – everything you need to know to live a life of perfect misery finally revealed and the best bit, you don’t even get a choice in the matter – it’s all down to circumstances!
This announcement was made just hours after the NASA announced in a press release that Newton was a total fraud and gravity doesn’t exist!
Happy April Fool’s Day! ❤