I wanted to share the personal transformation I have come through over this last year-and-a-half, through the understanding of the Three Principles.
A year and a half ago, I was in a suicidal state. I was going through high conflict divorce proceedings; I had lost custody of my young children because I had moved away from the area they were living in order to find work; I had been horribly let down by a person who can only be described as a conman; I was in a terrible emotional state where I wasn’t eating; I was afraid to go outside other than to work; and I wasn’t taking care of myself in any way. I was spending my waking hours going over different ways I could end my life. I was thoroughly depressed, without hope nor faith.
That was January 2012. On the first of April 2012, I joined Michael Neill’s Living from the Inside Out program, hoping I would find the key to happiness. Well, I did find that key, but not at all in the manner I thought it would happen.
It never occurred to me that I was creating this unhappy existence myself and I now marvel at that. I have gone through such a profound internal transformation. The milestones are too many to list, so here is just a few:
- Realizing that I was “doing it” to myself with my own thinking.
- Realizing that I’m not a victim of anything or anyone
- Realizing the difference between enjoyment and true happiness
- Realizing that everybody thinks and, moreover, that I can neither change the thoughts of another person (I am not responsible for their thoughts) nor be made to feel something that I can’t think myself
- Realizing the massive connection that there truly is within humanity, but for our thinking
- Realizing compassion is a whole world away from forgiveness
- Realizing that judgement is just thought and only has the meaning that I give to it
Then there was this one, perhaps the major one: realizing that there is no such thing as ego — that ego is only ever tied in with insecure feelings we create within ourselves with our own thinking.
Over this last year, my husband and I cancelled our divorce proceedings, although we still don’t live together. My children came home. We still have, in our personal relationship, an awful lot of stumbling blocks. My husband cannot see that we create our own experience from the inside out, ardently believing everything we feel comes from the outside. He cannot, for the moment, let go of that. Our relationship can still be very conflicting but at the same time, I know that he is just in pain.
A year ago, I started writing a book about weight loss based on my own inside-out experience of weight loss from five years ago. I had woken one morning and, deciding I wasn’t going to fight any more, I went through a mental and physical transformation. I believed at the time my weight would worsen and I would just eat rubbish the whole time. In fact, the opposite happened and in a little under eight months I lost ninety pounds. What I didn’t know at the time, but was able to put into words through learning about this understanding, is that I was creating the weight problem myself through the attitude I was holding towards food and the meaning that I was giving it.
Ten days ago, I sat down at my desk, logged on to createspace and started putting into place the publication of my book — a book that was not written from ego but from pure inspiration; from a desire to share something fundamental about our human nature with others. Even that desire was not coming from me but from somewhere else. The only words I can find to describe it are the words of Adam Smith when he talked about “The Invisible Hand”, though not in the capitalist context in which Smith used the term. I mean it in a far more spiritual sense.
That same weekend, the one in which I sat at my computer, was probably one of the worst weekends I’ve ever experienced within my personal relationship. There was extreme and constant verbal violence. And yet, I was able to detach from the turmoil and tap into that quiet space — that knowing space — and do what felt right to do at the time. This simple action was made all the more easy through all of the above realizations and through the fact that there was no ego involved.
What I have come to realize is that when we lose our ego, we lose our attachment to the outcomes and we lose our egos the day we realize that no matter what happens, we are still, at the core, fundamentally okay. We lose all fear and so there is no place for insecure thinking. That doesn’t mean that I never have insecure thinking or that the ego doesn’t pop back up at times to say hello. I just don’t take it quite so seriously any more.
Not only did my formless world change — my world of thought — but my physical world also changed but without having to fight to do it.
I wrote to a friend a few weeks ago about my book and said the following: “You see, people like me don’t do things like this, except people like me do do things like this when they awaken to the illusion of their own thinking.”
Here’s a link to my book.